11. Let’s all do a medical limbo!

I had an audience with The Supreme Super Doc this week to see if the magic beans he’d prescribed have found their groove. His review was mixed – the groove not altogether groovy. Some great things are happening (applause, whoop) and some bad things are happening (boo, hiss). So I have found myself in a medical limbo, which must not be confused with ‘doing’ a medical limbo, involving bending backwards below conjoined stethoscopes (applause, whoop). On the contrary, I’m ‘in’ a medical limbo, which is rather like sitting in a metaphorical waiting room with no magazines. And in this no-mans land, I can’t beat my chest on bended knee and cry ‘why me?’ I can’t light a slim cigar and huskily sigh ‘je ne regrette rien’. Nor can I spin around on a mountaintop, singing ‘the hills are alive…’

I don’t get to partake in any of the above activities because I can’t be happy, or sad, or Edith Piaf. Instead, I must wait for another FIVE WEEKS, wondering if the drugs are working or if I’ll have to move onto more fearsome drugs. For another FIVE weeks, I’ll be contemplating what my body’s game plan is. Kidneys – are you looking lively? Heart beat – keeping up? Chest tissue – stop being so weedy, your teammates need you now! Isn’t it boring to have become so self-obsessed. I’m quite literally gazing at my own navel, wondering if Lucian Lupus is about to take hold of that too.

I don’t want to be that girl, obsessing over a wannabe Harry Potter villain stealing her tummy button**. She’s the last person you’d want to hang out with at a party! I have to remind myself that the magic beans will work, or won’t work, regardless of the amount of time I spend thinking about them. I have to fill my time with wonderful things I CAN do, instead of dwelling on all the things I can’t. Fun doesn’t have to mean Sauvignon Blanc, skipping and The Macarena at 4am… does it?

The Supreme Super Doc gently advised me to be patient, (apparently he had pre-warned me that this journey would be long, but obviously I hadn’t been listening because my head was busy planning my ‘I’m totally better’ party). So now I’ve got to ‘practice patience’. Gosh. I’ve never been any good at that. I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that patience is exclusively for people who have time to be patient. Take Buddhist monks for example– they’ve literally got nothing on – no TV series to catch up on, no drinks parties to go to. Their diaries are empty, it’s no wonder they’re so Zen! Perhaps they’ve learnt to practice patience waiting for party invites to turn up? Poor monks. Regardless of my devout impatience, I’ve taken a solemn vow to abstain from parties and commit to kale. I will embrace early nights and green food. I will remove myself from fun scenarios because I simply can’t keep up with them. For now. I will press pause.

So to the Lupus Troopers out there; learn to be patient patients my friends because fighting it won’t speed your recovery. Try not to remove all joy and replace it with navel gazing, because let’s face it they’re not all that exciting to watch. Enjoy the space your medical limbo has offered you. Focus on all that’s great. Take stock. Reflect. Laugh at this nonsense. And rehearse your rendition of ‘the hills are alive….’ Hare Krishna. (Applause, whoop.)

 

**As weird as that sentence is, it’ll make absolute sense if you’ve read a previous blog post. If it doesn’t make sense then you only have yourself to blame. Now, you’ve got a backlog of posts to catch up on dear! Quick sharp. Look lively! 

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Check me out with my green juice! Beat that buddha!

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