Tag Archives: Kale

12. Miles Davis and the Mexicans

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My weekend began with a text to Saint Luke; ‘I’m 79% sure I’m having a heart attack’. I wasn’t, a chainsaw had just taken residence in my chest. I crawled into bed and was surprised when a family of Mexican neighbours arrived to wish me well. I was grateful that they’d come, all eight of them, but as they sat awkwardly on my bed I felt terribly self-conscious and the small talk was dwindling. I shouted to Saint Luke for back up, concerned that no one had offered these poor Mexicans a drink! But he wasn’t there and neither were the Mexicans, so I fell back into a fevered sleep.

Saint Luke mused on the ‘best-laid plans’ for our weekend that were promptly cast aside, whilst I wrestled with the aches in my body, the chainsaw in my chest and the Mexicans on my bed. My dad gently suggested, ‘perhaps you’ve overdone it this week?’ If overdoing it means racking up copious lines of kale and raving (reading) until 8pm, then YES I’d overdone it. ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! Somebody stop me!

And so it came to pass that I should learn another solemn lesson; I simply can’t make plans, no matter how modest, not even best-laid ones. I spent Saturday sulking in bed, wondering if there’s anything more pathetic than crying over a lost trip to the supermarket. I used to be fun. I used to be a contender! The most frustrating thing is not being able to predict when I’ll be visited by Lucian Lupus, or Mexicans, because there seems to be no warning, not even a courtesy call. How rude!*

Last week I was thrilled to have accomplished five days of work with relatively manageable pain, as long as I kept my inner tempo tuned to soft jazz. This is no easy feat for a girl who opposes the sedentary beat she has to keep**. You see, because I’m upbeat and excitable by nature, I often forget myself at work when we win a new job, or someone tells a hilarious joke or reveals a most wonderful sandwich, only for my body to be thrown back down by a chainsaw. My natural and forced rhythms are constantly at odds; it’s like an experimental jazz battle in there (with brief interludes from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) So perhaps I should have predicted the fall out at the end of last week, which left me surrounded by Mexicans and in a lot of pain, just like Miles Davis***. And maybe my dad was right (he tends to be) and I did too much. And maybe I brought it on myself. Damn that natural funky rhythm of mine!

But where does that leave me? I don’t want to slow down the up-tempo beat that makes me, me. I don’t want to walk instead of run, smirk instead of smile, titter instead of laugh with my head thrown back. I don’t want to dampen my spark any more than I’ve already had to, because I’m in danger of fizzling out entirely. I can barely recognise myself beneath all the cotton wool, and I’m finding it hard to breath.

Before my laboured beat makes me feel downbeat, I must remember that this departure from myself is Only Temporary. Lupus Troopers, when the music changes, so must the dance my friends. Hang up your sequined trousers, but don’t abandon the idea of ever wearing them again. Leave your best-laid plans at the door and collect them on the way out of this mess. Sit back, relax, turn your electric blanket up to 11, and tune in to soft jazz. Lay down that boogie and play that funky music, until your pills kick in. (And please don’t stress if you’re unexpectedly visited by Mexicans; perhaps they’re listening to the music too).

***

* I’m not suggesting all Mexicans are rude – just hallucinated ones.    

 ** This sentence is also a poem. You’re welcome.        

*** Replace ‘Mexicans’ with ‘New Yorkers’ and ‘pain’ with ‘trumpets’. Now that’s Miles Davis.

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In days of yore, when the sparkly trousers were in action.

11. Let’s all do a medical limbo!

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I had an audience with The Supreme Super Doc this week to see if the magic beans he’d prescribed have found their groove. His review was mixed – the groove not altogether groovy. Some great things are happening (applause, whoop) and some bad things are happening (boo, hiss). So I have found myself in a medical limbo, which must not be confused with ‘doing’ a medical limbo, involving bending backwards below conjoined stethoscopes (applause, whoop). On the contrary, I’m ‘in’ a medical limbo, which is rather like sitting in a metaphorical waiting room with no magazines. And in this no-mans land, I can’t beat my chest on bended knee and cry ‘why me?’ I can’t light a slim cigar and huskily sigh ‘je ne regrette rien’. Nor can I spin around on a mountaintop, singing ‘the hills are alive…’

I don’t get to partake in any of the above activities because I can’t be happy, or sad, or Edith Piaf. Instead, I must wait for another FIVE WEEKS, wondering if the drugs are working or if I’ll have to move onto more fearsome drugs. For another FIVE weeks, I’ll be contemplating what my body’s game plan is. Kidneys – are you looking lively? Heart beat – keeping up? Chest tissue – stop being so weedy, your teammates need you now! Isn’t it boring to have become so self-obsessed. I’m quite literally gazing at my own navel, wondering if Lucian Lupus is about to take hold of that too.

I don’t want to be that girl, obsessing over a wannabe Harry Potter villain stealing her tummy button**. She’s the last person you’d want to hang out with at a party! I have to remind myself that the magic beans will work, or won’t work, regardless of the amount of time I spend thinking about them. I have to fill my time with wonderful things I CAN do, instead of dwelling on all the things I can’t. Fun doesn’t have to mean Sauvignon Blanc, skipping and The Macarena at 4am… does it?

The Supreme Super Doc gently advised me to be patient, (apparently he had pre-warned me that this journey would be long, but obviously I hadn’t been listening because my head was busy planning my ‘I’m totally better’ party). So now I’ve got to ‘practice patience’. Gosh. I’ve never been any good at that. I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that patience is exclusively for people who have time to be patient. Take Buddhist monks for example– they’ve literally got nothing on – no TV series to catch up on, no drinks parties to go to. Their diaries are empty, it’s no wonder they’re so Zen! Perhaps they’ve learnt to practice patience waiting for party invites to turn up? Poor monks. Regardless of my devout impatience, I’ve taken a solemn vow to abstain from parties and commit to kale. I will embrace early nights and green food. I will remove myself from fun scenarios because I simply can’t keep up with them. For now. I will press pause.

So to the Lupus Troopers out there; learn to be patient patients my friends because fighting it won’t speed your recovery. Try not to remove all joy and replace it with navel gazing, because let’s face it they’re not all that exciting to watch. Enjoy the space your medical limbo has offered you. Focus on all that’s great. Take stock. Reflect. Laugh at this nonsense. And rehearse your rendition of ‘the hills are alive….’ Hare Krishna. (Applause, whoop.)

 

**As weird as that sentence is, it’ll make absolute sense if you’ve read a previous blog post. If it doesn’t make sense then you only have yourself to blame. Now, you’ve got a backlog of posts to catch up on dear! Quick sharp. Look lively! 

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Check me out with my green juice! Beat that buddha!

9. ‘Tis the season for mince pies and morphine

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‘Tis the season to be jolly (falalalala, lalalala) even when you’re throwing up on Christmas morning, because having a shower was too much fun for one day (falalalala, lalalala.) ‘Tis not the season to pass on Christmas pudding, so I’ve put my rule book to one side and enjoyed a heady mix of mince pies, morphine and mulled wine (falalalala, lalalalaaaaaaaaaaggghhh!)

And now I’m back in bed, my chest throbbing in distain for the frivolity, I’m wondering if it was all worth it? Of COURSE it was, every last crumb and dance with my niece, every last dunk in brandy butter and roar of laughter. Every crisp, every game, every sip, every hour, every single moment was worth it. Which leads me to ponder (with my head at a jaunty angle and my index finger to my lip), has it all been worth it? Have the last five months offered me anything more than a restored love of almond milk?

Now, I would never wish for Lupus (like I wish for Isabel Marant boots), that would be silly and a little sadistic, but I am incredibly grateful for the refreshed view on life that Lupus has bought me. Lupus is partly responsible for placing my life in a golden frame and saying to me, ‘look at this life you’ve got, you massive lush! Look closer! I know it may be a bit wonky, it may not have turned out exactly as your 15 year old self thought it would, but it’s f-ing bloody brilliant and you are SO lucky.’

Over the last five months, I’ve received enough flowers to host the Chelsea Flower Show and Get Well Cards to fill a forest (if we could magically reverse the paper-making process… sorry trees.) My friends and family have a canny knack of appearing just as I’m close to feeling sorry for myself, with grapes and cakes and the wisest of words; with eye cream and candles, foot rubs and head strokes; with DVDs and magazines and bouquets of fruit (no shit, click on this link, they’re amazing!) They’ve come with herbal teas, juice recipes and an abundance of PMA. They’ve emptied the dishwasher, they’ve made me soup and they’ve made me laugh and laugh (until I’ve had to tell them to stop being so goddamn funny because it hurts.) Blimey, I am SO lucky.

I’ve been reunited with old school friends and boyfriends who have appeared from nowhere to wish me well. Although no longer in uniform or in the band, and despite the years that have passed and the nonsense life has also thrown at them, they’ve hardly changed at all. What an influence on my life our past together has been, and what inspirations they live to be now. I am SO lucky to have experienced them and to be able to rediscover them now.

I’ve had endless support from my bosses and colleagues at Coffee & TV. Working with such a passionate, talented and hilarious crew is the very best tonic (and if it could be bottled we’d all be millionaires! So I’m working on it…) I’m SO lucky to be able to spend my days with such an awesome and energizing bunch.

If ever you need your significant other to prove his / her love for you, remind him every day how much you’re hurting and cannot possibly hoover. Tell him that you can’t go out despite the fact it’s his friend’s engagement party / birthday party / Halloween party / new-born’s christening. Ask for your hot-water bottle to be refilled, despite the fact he fell asleep half an hour ago. Tell him you want the moon and ask him to throw a lasso around it and pull it down. All hurdles are equally demanding and worthy of proving his love. Thankfully, my boy has successfully completed his endurance test; indeed he’s endured an awful lot, and I am SO lucky.

And although it’s surprising to find yourself being tucked into bed by your mum / dad / sister / brother, at the age of 34, (and certainly not what my 15 year old self had foreseen) I am SO grateful. What a privilege it’s been to spend this uninterrupted time with my family – to be cocooned in their unconditional love, with tea and toast on tap. Gosh, aren’t I lucky.

Oooopsies, I appear to have written my Lupus Awards acceptance speech. I’ll stop here (else I’ll have nothing to say in my actual Lupus Awards acceptance speech, a glamorous red-carpet affair that I’m certain my Super Doc is planning). There’s an awful lot more I have to be thankful for, but I’m precariously standing on the edge of the smug zone. I appreciate that not everyone is lucky enough to be surrounded by such incredible people, but I do hope that the frame around your world highlights all that’s good, funny, surprising and wonderful… I promise it’s all there, if you look hard enough.

Numerous people have asked me lately how I remain so chipper; I hope this post shows that it would be very hard not to be! THANK YOU to everyone who has made it so. Despite the hospital visits, the tests, the tears, the aches, the pain and puke, I’m really rather lucky. Perhaps it’s the morphine talking? Or perhaps I just feel really rather jolly – ‘tis the season after all (falalalala, lalalala.) SO, bring it on 2016, I’m ready for you and I’ve got my army with me.

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London Bridge Hospital, feeling festive

8. Insomnia and a Kidney Beret

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I don’t care what Instagram says, healthy eating isn’t fun and it certainly isn’t sexy. The truth is, ‘come to bed eyes’ should be more aptly named ‘sauvignon eyes’ because let’s face it, no romance ever blossomed over a wind-inspiring Green Smoothie. No babies were ever made after a playful evening of carrot batons and Wheatgrass shots. No dalliance into debauchery ever concluded with kale. No life-loving, adventure-seeking being ever said ‘hey, you know what’s really fun? Broccoli.’ (Unless of course, the broccoli is attached to the end of a bungee rope, or Snickers bar.) That’s not to say I haven’t tried to be green and lean. Every January I successfully detox for a week, and celebrate with a vat of Pinot Noir and a Chinese Takeaway for four, for one. But for the first time, I’ve got a legitimate reason to try, and I can’t find a legitimate reason not to. And so my foray into eating clean began with a hint of cynicism, a dollop of dismay and four sleepless nights.

The Super Doc (Doctor Lanham at the London Lupus Centre) suggested it was time to stop taking Tramadol because after three months, the stuff was doing nothing for my mojo. He also gave me a trial prescription for steroids in the hope they might encourage my immune system to perk up. Concerned that five days on the ‘roids would inspire immediate beard growth, an appetite for Call of Duty and a penchant wolf whistling, I decided that I should counteract chemicals with pure goodly goodness. I raided Amazon for books with (smug) pretty girls on the cover – they all seemed to be holding a yoga pose and green juice concurrently. Multi-tasking majesties. And their faces (smug faces) shone with the dew of their early morning Pilates, and their eyes sparkled, and their teeth twinkled and their plentiful hair curled like magnificent Unicorn manes. They glowed from their insides out, with livers exquisite enough to be worn as broaches and glistening clean colons that would make the most delightful necklaces. I didn’t just want to look like them, I wanted to be them (or at least wear their shiny organs as jewellery.) And as my salubrious sisters sang to me from their recipe book covers, I realised I shouldn’t have come off the Tramadol quite so quickly.

For FOUR NIGHTS I lay awake, counting sheep until there were none left. My body ached with exhaustion, but how could I possibly sleep when I was so busy re-enacting scenes from Trainspotting? The Tramadol had taken more of a hold than I had thought and the ‘roids were preparing me for a wild night out I was never going to go on. A sleepless haze distorted my days but I was determined to carry on regardless. Getting dressed felt like participating in the Iron Man finals. Commuting to work was a mission to the underworld with Hades on my back. Eating was essential in order to take my pills, but it’s ever so tricky to fry an egg white omelette from foetal position. Life seemed to be getting harder and curly kale wasn’t helping. Narcotics and healthy eating is a juxtaposition Irvine Walsh obviously hadn’t considered when he was writing Trainspotting, which is a shame because I could have done with a point of reference and the glowing girls weren’t helping.

When I found myself waking up on Regent’s Street having fainted amidst indifferent tourists, it was time to head back to Super Doc (with an awesome new recipe for sweet potato brownies.)

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Nothing says FUN like celery! (said no one ever)